Over and Over

ONCE
I inhale a new scent. The fingers are longer and tapered at the ends... Entwined with mine they look strangely new. There are fireworks and smiles and gasps and cries. There is ecstasy and pain and caresses. There is light outside and yet we remain in the dark. Breathing. The room is filled with the smell of smoke, fear and pain. Take care, he said. I will, said I. I am careful to close the door gently on the way out.
____________________________________________________________
AGAIN
There are children playing in the courtyard below . The sky looks like rain. There are swarms of dragonflies in the air and higher up, the eagles. I watch him smile. I want him to smile again. To speak and to laugh again. I watch him drink the tea I've made. As always it's too sweet. As always he drinks it anyway. I begin to let myself feel. Happy.

Crash

When the first plate smashed to the floor with a resounding crash it felt good. So I slowly picked up one plate after the other and smashed them all to the floor. There were some glasses. I smashed those too. I didn't scream or shout. The noise created by the destruction of china was enough to raise hell itself. It was strangely calming. Then, I stepped over the shards and decided to go to bed.
There were people saying something but I was drunk out of my wits to care. Someone grabbed my arm and I pushed them away. Hard. I wanted to fall. And I wanted to never get up. I wanted to do something so drastic it'd make me forget that bone deep love which you can't because it's bone deep.
I stared resentfully at no one in particular and when someone told me to lie down, I did quietly. I was hoping I'd sleep. Sleep didn't come. Visions did. I hated myself then. I hate drunk people. I hate all drunk people. It has always been so easy to hate. To hate yourself and everything you love.

Darrrrllllliiiiinnnngggg

Interesting realisation today while listening to a song on the radio as I drove to college: I am totally that girl. I am not refined. Do not wish to be. I am just slightly afraid of new people and am actually not that stuck up. And I love with gay abandon! People. Things. Everything that takes my fancy.
The song in question goes something like this : Munni badnaam hui.. darling tere liye!, Item yeh kaam hui darling tere liye.. and in the end she loses the plot completely and says le jhandu balm hui.. darling tere liye!!
Totally not a catharsis inducing song for most, I know. However, as I said. I can totally imagine dancing to this with energetic thumkas, numerous winks and lip biting. I can imagine most people reading this and rolling their eyes. I don't give a flying fuck. I am totally the girl that makes guys hug their pillows!