Today

Last night was painful. My rage wouldn't let me sleep. So I tossed and turned and went over a thousand things in my head. Whatever justification I gave, the hurt inside me lingered and distorted my behaviour. I was tired. I was exhausted with what I thought I could resist and what continued to persist. So I let it wash over me.
I let myself feel guilty for a good five minutes and the pain too. I remained totally miserable for a good 25 minutes and then I let go.
I'm different. Was different and always will be. It is not that some things are pointless. It is that to the things you are not the point.

Small Things

Yesterday was a good day. I met someone I used to know and was pleasantly surprised to see that he had changed. Gone was the swagger and the weird lilts in the voice. It had all been beautifully replaced with calm, courteous charm. Except the eyes. They still danced.
It was as if nothing had changed. He asked me if I still had a flaming temper and I retorted by asking him about his pathetic taste in women. He grabbed me into this gruff hug and nearly lifted me clean off the ground. As I stood back shyly he grinned and said " still doing your whole reserved deal huh?"
"no I'm not!" I scowled back.

As I looked at him, I picked out the familiar mixed with the new. He wore a scent I didn't recognise but his smell was still the same. He always ended up laughing at his own jokes before he even finished telling them and I loved that he wore a shirt with a collar. He still hadn't grown up though. As I talked with lots of hand gestures and lots of big words thrown in for good effect, he smiled at me the old way, tilted his head to one side and declared: "your teeth are still crooked!!".
It was the first time I'd laughed in days. And once I started I couldn't stop and then burst into tears (I was probably hungry and sleepy and everything else combined). He somehow managed to laugh at that too and I sat there and sulked.

When I got up to leave, he held out a pencil. A brand new beautiful pencil with an eraser on top. I smiled. I love stationary. And I loved that he had remembered. It was so simple. Small things.. that's all it takes.. small things.

Prescience

We are born with a thousand realizations. In that first moment when we open our eyes and stare at the world the first blink is always that of understanding. Perhaps that's why most of us start bawling at the top of our lungs. We are horrified at the million possibilities and the countless expectations. I'm pretty sure all of us want to go back inside our mother's wombs and simply not be part of that sudden drop in temperature (15 degrees) environment.

When I was small I was told I was meant to do great things because I was born legs first and they were crooked. The fact that my dear mother somehow managed to straighten (and lengthen) them convinced a few people that I was different. I believed it too for a long time. I saw it in certain things that happened while growing up. I became from one of the stupidest children in any room to a person who could hold conversations and get good grades. At some point along the way I stopped being the ugly duckling of groups. I never realized any of this until I started looking back.
Every single day a thought flits into my already very crowded head. I think it's all the realizations I was born with that are gathering up every moment that I am older. I wasn't born coiled up like a spring on the inside. And today I feel that all of my realizations knew that too.

music

main tennu samjhawan ki
na tere bajo lagda ji
tu ki jaane pyaar mera
main karaan intezaar tera
tu dil tu yoon jaan meri

i really really like rahat fateh ali khan.. there's something about the way he sings that makes me experience a state of catharsis.

Not mediocre

I have exams... And I'm not worried. Because something else is taking precedence. Something that consumes me from the inside out. Sometimes it meekly walks away. Sometimes it snarls and keeps up the torment. Somehow it is always there. These days it's a little insecure...seeing as I am winning.
They told me to write it down. They are stupid people. All of them who claim to understand. To feel and to know. It is always one against the world. Only the world doesn't want you to know that anytime soon.
These days I have dreams of those that I never saw before. Atleast not clearly enough.
I am thankful. For today I have made up my mind to live. To push and hustle!
I'd lost the faith. I thought someone took it with them. I had lost it. Not the faith though...