Prescience

We are born with a thousand realizations. In that first moment when we open our eyes and stare at the world the first blink is always that of understanding. Perhaps that's why most of us start bawling at the top of our lungs. We are horrified at the million possibilities and the countless expectations. I'm pretty sure all of us want to go back inside our mother's wombs and simply not be part of that sudden drop in temperature (15 degrees) environment.

When I was small I was told I was meant to do great things because I was born legs first and they were crooked. The fact that my dear mother somehow managed to straighten (and lengthen) them convinced a few people that I was different. I believed it too for a long time. I saw it in certain things that happened while growing up. I became from one of the stupidest children in any room to a person who could hold conversations and get good grades. At some point along the way I stopped being the ugly duckling of groups. I never realized any of this until I started looking back.
Every single day a thought flits into my already very crowded head. I think it's all the realizations I was born with that are gathering up every moment that I am older. I wasn't born coiled up like a spring on the inside. And today I feel that all of my realizations knew that too.

music

main tennu samjhawan ki
na tere bajo lagda ji
tu ki jaane pyaar mera
main karaan intezaar tera
tu dil tu yoon jaan meri

i really really like rahat fateh ali khan.. there's something about the way he sings that makes me experience a state of catharsis.

Not mediocre

I have exams... And I'm not worried. Because something else is taking precedence. Something that consumes me from the inside out. Sometimes it meekly walks away. Sometimes it snarls and keeps up the torment. Somehow it is always there. These days it's a little insecure...seeing as I am winning.
They told me to write it down. They are stupid people. All of them who claim to understand. To feel and to know. It is always one against the world. Only the world doesn't want you to know that anytime soon.
These days I have dreams of those that I never saw before. Atleast not clearly enough.
I am thankful. For today I have made up my mind to live. To push and hustle!
I'd lost the faith. I thought someone took it with them. I had lost it. Not the faith though...

To you and you and you

"Ooooohhhhh.... I'd love to be skinny!"
"Give me your metabolic rate!"

I never knew thin was the cause of such envy... A certain someone told me they'd die to be so thin... I tell them often that I'll probably die because of it... :-)

I'm envious too.. of raging appetites and risky lifestyles..

IF I COULD I WOULD:
vodkas with cokes (more than half a glass) and
dhaba food and
sweet concotions and
chocolate milk! and
maggi, maggi maggi! and
chicken sandwiches from subway and
chhole kulche from roadside vendors and
momos from obscure carts and
glasses full of coke with loads of ice! and
ice creams after every meal and
chicken!! rolls, gravies anything!

This is for all of you.. who can eat and eat and keep it all in.. savour it! fuck the weight issues! they're dumb and stupid!

Here, There and Everywhere

It was high school. I was ugly. I saw it every day in the mirror before leaving for school. I remember walking down the longest corridor, with sweaty hands clutching a binder tightly to the chest as I tried my best to slink past the group of senior boys without getting noticed. Of course, it was not to be. I was the weird Indian girl, the one who read all the time curled up in secluded corners and ate her lunches alone because she was told Indian food smelled. One of them winked as I walked past and my stomach lurched. It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears right there and then. I hated them. I guess they didn't like me very much either. It would have been the uncool thing to do.

I began to dread opening my locker. On Valentine's Day everyone had a red carnation sent to them by someone or the other (school initiave) inside their locker. I opened mine to find a bunch of smelly socks and a note which said : you won't notice the smell anyway.
I think I still carry that rage somewhere.

A year later. I had another note. It said: "You're beautiful". I mistrusted it instantly. I imagined a bunch of people were standing around waiting for me to smile before they started jeering. I threw it in the trash. The next day there was a red rose inside. I went to the school counselor to ask her for a lock for my locker becaues someone seemed to know my code. I cried at night. I couldn't understand why someone would mock me so.

What happened afterwards is a blur. I was in love... with the way he felt. I was everything I wanted to be because he could see me that way.
Seven months later.. there was another note: "I don't think you're pretty enough to be mine".
This time I smiled. It was the longest prank anyone had played. You had to give some credit.

I came back to India. Outside my car window a small child held up a rose and grinned. "Aap bahut sundar ho didi". I smiled. I loved my country instantly.